Pappy's tall tales

When Pappy saved the Queen

With the crackle of the fire, we are shrouded in darkness and Grand Pappy begins by telling a story. ” Did I ever tell you the one were I single handed rescued queen? Back when I was a young man and you were no more than a pungent fart. I was walking the stone road to Riverdale when I came across a peculiar sight.

Sitting by the road was the ugliest Orc I had ever laid my eyes on, and to my surprise he was knitting. So, i asked him what are you making there and he said “Waaaaaaaaaaagggrhgagahaaghagah” because he was an orc you see and back then orcs hadn’t learned to speak, so there I am this massive brute on top of me trying to simultaneously strangle me with yarn and stab me with a knitting needle.
Before I knew what was going on, he leaped up and came at me, thrusting the needle in a stabbing motion.

He jumped on me and we both tumbled to the ground

“WhaAAABlethulb!” I yelled. Frankly, I was just yelling. But he stopped. Needle inches from my eye.

He sat up on my chest and looked down at me.

“WhaAAABlethulb” the orc repeated staring down at me. What else could I do I cleared my throat and made the sound again. To my surprise the orc
pushed themself up, and hauled me to my feet, one massive hand around my forearm.
Their knitting was strewn in a tangled mess around us.

With the orcs freehand he reached in the back pocket on his loincloth and pulled out a crudely knitted bunny rabbit. Then he handed it to me, smiled and released me from his grasp. Not exactly sure what happened but it appeared I was free to go. I was cautiously on my way. I reached Riverdale at high noon and the town was buzzing with commotion. It would appear that taxes were due and a royal detachment would arrive shortly. I stopped at the local tavern to get a drink as I was parched from that tussle with the Orc. I reach for my pouch to pay, but it was gone. That darn Orc was a thief and when he handed me the bunny he must have lifted my pouch. I had already downed my drink and the buxom hobbling bartender was giving me the evil eye

“Eh hugh”, the bartender growled. “You gonna pay fer dat drink anytime soon?”

I knew I had only one shot at this. So that’s when I knew i was in trouble if i didnt think of something quick. I turned to the man sitting next to me and cranked him over the head with my ale stein starting an all out brawl, in the midst of the chaos
Royal trumpets sounded just outside the tavern. I fancy a brawl like any other however I decided best not get involved in this one. The barkeep was preoccupied as I slipped out the back door. I calmly walked around the building and blended into the crowd. The crowd that was fixed on a pair of ornate palanquins, with silk drapes fluttering on their sides. In the first reclined a heavily jowled human, with dark hair and fine robes.

In the other that damn orc thief, but he was dressed in a fine flowing pink dress, cheeks adorned with blush and a long blonde wig i couldn’t believe my eyes
The orc whipped out a fan ad started fluttering their eyes at the crowd, who all seemed to love this, might I add. I glared at the orc and he— she— IT was playing the crowd when their eyes met mine.
Then finely dressed man announced the orc, “By Royal Decree, Queen of Dire swamp, Highness of Chiefton Zug. Is here to receive her war tribute. The village of Riverdale, You are now the queen’s property. I picked a bad day to goto town. Luckily
“WhaAAABlethulb” the orc repeated with a higher voice and staring down at me “Urrgh” I whimpered. “WharGAz’k” The orc said to the Human. A shocked look cam a cross his face, he stepped off his palanquin, reached out his hand to me and said “The queen has ordered you to take my coin pouch and leave. However, before I was able to be spared a second time in one day. The brawl in the tavern has broken out into the streets. The townsfolk were like kindle and brawl has ignited them in a raging mob. The guards tried to bring order however it was to no avail. In the commotion, the elf next to me raised his bow, drew an arrow at the queen. I then instinctively shoved the knit rabbit into the elf’s face, proclaiming, “Hey, did ye ever
see a rabbit hunting” the elf distracted let loose the arrow. It few through the air missing the orc and slicing through a rope hanging a large bronze bell. The bell came smashing down, “thud”. Rioting stopped as everyone covered their ears from the loud ring. The guards were then able to gain control. And that ladies and gents is how I saved the queen! You ungrateful brats. (The End)

I would like to thanks our contributors in the order of there contribution.

Glen E., Mike V., Joel P., Sarah L, Sam B, Vicky L,

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Al the Vampire

The only living Vampire and chief editor of a online entertainment news website.
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